So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
