I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I love you.
Bad choice
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