He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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