you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
