Soap is not a condiment
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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