life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
