when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
