That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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