Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
