She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
