thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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