i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
