so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
