i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
