Just fell off a train. Bad.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
