apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Terrible idea I love it
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
