the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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