I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Randomize
