I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize