Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
