1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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