I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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