Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
