I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
