I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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