I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
