drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
