There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
