I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
