i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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