i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
