Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
