I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
