Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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