i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
