just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
