Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
