I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
