I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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