foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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