My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
