You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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