It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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