On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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