i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Is it because I queefed?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
