i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My breasts were aching with rage.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
