i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
