There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
