dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
