She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
