I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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