she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
