saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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