Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
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