I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
