How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
