I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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