You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
