youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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